Sunday, December 22nd.

I have come to realize in this crazy, crazy life that we are not grateful enough for the things we have. What has caused this realization? Sitting in the play room of my new China home feeling sorry for myself due to a bad day. Just that sentence itself is sad - I’m in China for heavens sake, having an experience that 90 percent of people won’t ever have in their lives, and I’m about to have a meltdown. Really not being in the mood to break down in front of my host family I get up, and walk away shouting that I’ll be back in an hour. Walking up the stairs, almost in tears, I know there is only one thing that will put this emotion aside. Run like I won’t be able to feel my legs tomorrow. Well that or eat a box of Cheez-its, but that isn't really an option since I happily ate my last serving a week ago… So running is what I did. Layer after layer was packed onto my body  and I cautiously stepped out into the 10pm, polluted night. The first step was medicating, already releasing the bad energy of the day. Thoughts came and went - why do they think I’m their pack mule? Why can’t they figure out how to say thank you when I do the dishes every night without being asked? Why can’t I have any space? Why won’t the host mom stop trying to hold my hand? And then it suddenly stopped. And instead of feeling sorry for myself I felt foolish, foolish for only taking in the negative while i am having such a beautiful experience. And then I felt sorry for them due to my rude thoughts and awful attitude. This needs to change. Everyone is granted a bad day every once in a while, but don’t hold that bad energy in you. It is so unhealthy. Get it out, think about all the great things you have to be thankful for. We all have way more than we need but seem to keep asking for more.

My legs seemed to be moving faster and faster and my thoughts were pouring out of my mouth. That’s right, I was actually speaking out loud to myself. I don’t know what had gotten into me but poor Chinese people that had to witness the American sprinting down the road talking to herself. As my legs began to tire all I could think about was the homeless man that I pass on my way to Chinese class every Tuesday and Thursday. He has no feet. Suddenly my legs weren't tired anymore. I thought about the bed I sleep on that doesn’t have a mattress, just wood, and then remembered the old woman carrying the two children on her bare back, begging people for anything. I doubt she is worrying about a mattress. My belly is full for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. I have the most amazing family that would run around the world for me. I have friends that would capture a star for me if they could. I have the free agency to make the universe my adventure if I want to and become my hopes and dreams. I have a happy personality and an overused smile. So what’s the problem? Why am I letting this day overwhelm me to the point of tears? Because they don’t thank me? Shouldn't we be doing service without expecting anything in return, even if it’s as simple as a thank you? They throw everything at me like I’m their donkey but I need to stay strong somehow right? Why won’t they give me any space? Because they like me! They enjoy spending time with me! Why am I thinking about this in a bad way? Lets all just be a little more thankful for the things we have in our lives. The hard days teach us and the good days reward us. Just remember my motto - it could always get worse.

xoxo